It's funny how we tend to have more resilience than think we do, or even want to. Some things in life just hit you so hard you think it will forever have a grip on you and fighting it seems futile. Yet somehow that grip loosens. Sometimes we don't care to move past something, sometimes we don't want to, and we grip the thing holding us and much as it grips us. It seems to be though that even if you don't actively fight to free yourself over time the grip just loses strength and you eventually slip out of it, sometimes not even realizing it's happening. This has happened to me a lot in my life. Sometimes I just want to give up.. and I do. I quit putting effort in to better myself or to better know myself and I simply live at the simplest level I can. I take care of what I must and nothing more. I always grow bored with that though and began to crave a challenge or a struggle.

Recently I read "Things Fall Apart" by Chinua Achebe. It was a really good book and I'm glad school led me to read it. I think sometimes I hold myself back in life from fear that I achieve something I can really pride myself in just to have it taken away from me. I've recently come to realize how silly that really is. Better to take 2 bites of a perfect pie and then have someone take it than to never try it at all. I've also been in a big rut of "why couldn't I have known then what I know now". I wish I would have taken school more seriously. I could be DONE with school now instead of just starting it. I could have done this without worry of taking care of my husband and wife. I could have enjoyed my youth more instead of rushing into this aspect of adulthood. But I didn't and it's too late to think about all the things I could have done. I worry a lot because I'm not a conventional mom and my son will be different because of that. I hope every day that that is a positive thing. Most kids these days are spoiled, entitled, and generally unpleasant to be around so I think it's a really good thing for him to be different. I can't believe he's about to be 3. I can't believe my 4 year wedding anniversary is coming up. I am at disbelief at a lot of things in life right now.

My grandpa has been sick a lot lately. He'll be 88 next month. I am absolutely terrified at the prospect of him dying. I want him to see me graduate college and have a career. I want Miles to remember how much they love each other. I think about how I'm just not ready right now and I know that I will never be ready. I had a hard time losing my grandmother and I still struggle with it more than anyone really knows. But I knew it was coming for her. I knew it was a release for her and I knew she was ready. I don't think my Grandpa will ever be ready. He loves life and is an active and incredibly intelligent man and is always looking forward to what the next day will bring. I just don't know how much more hardships I can handle right now. I mean overall I am doing a lot better. But I feel like no matter how stable and happy and strong I may be it will take it all back when something happens to him.

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